My Response To Pittsburgh's Drink Tax

When I bring people to Pittsburgh form out of town, there's always a common question: "Why aren't there more people in the city?" I usually offer the same explanation—the only conclusion that I can come to—Pittsburgh does not like people. People are apparently a necessary evil. Pittsburgh is like that expensive furniture at your grandmother's house that she keeps covered with that sticky plastic. It looks really nice these days, but you always end up leaving feeling uncomfortable and wonder who it's being saved for. Pittsburgh seemingly tolerates us enough long enough to gouge us during sporting events, but afterwards people can't get out of the city fast enough. And, that is true largely because of the financial and logistical constraints that our leadership have put in place.

I mean really, look at the welcome mat that Pittsburgh rolls out for us:

• EXTRA 1% SALES TAX: Why shop in the city—especially for major purchases—when you can buy the same item for 1% less just beyond the Allegheny County line? If the 1% County sales tax isn't enough to send you elsewhere, there's more…
• TRANSPORTATION: Just try getting to the city from the airport corridor. "You mean your only options are taxi or pay to park," I'm asked. From here, that's it. You could try to find a bus route, but the city is already cutting those back as well.
• PARKING TAX: I can only imagine that the city limits the modes of transportation into the city to feed its 45% parking tax. After all, the city was generous enough to roll that back from 50%. So, they have to make it up somehow.
• BUSINESS TAX: "But, shouldn't people work here," my friend wonders. Well, Pittsburgh, the "most livable city," I laugh once ranked 2nd with the most brutal business tax. I think we've slipped to 4th or 5th thanks to some other greedy cities. Why would anybody pay to put a business in a place that nobody can affordably get to, spend time in, or even work in...
• WAGE TAX: "Yeah, but it's the city, why don't more people live there," I'm asked. Well, you see, the normal wage tax isn't enough for the city. Residents of Allegheny County are charged extra. I'm not sure of the amount, but I think it's two-to-three times what we pay outside Allegheny County. (3% to be exact)
• OCCUPATION TAX: Oh yeah, don't forget the $100 off the top—occupational tax that the city charges people just for the privilege of working in the city. I mean really, what's another $100 to have the word Pittsburgh on your mailing address?
• EVENTS: "So, what's going on here in the city?" Well, we could go out to Burgettstown and catch a few shows. You mean there's no concerts here? Nah, they taxed the crap out of acts, now they just bypass the city. I go to Cleveland or Baltimore for most shows I want to see. You can catch a travelling production or eat, but the only reason younger people come to the city is the bar scene on the South Side. I wonder what they could do to mess that up…..BEER TAX!
• BEER TAX: So, let's put this in perspective. Pittsburgh has made it difficult to get downtown, charge you for parking once you get down there, charge you an extra 1% for anything you'd want to buy, and now they want to tax beer??? So, now on top of paying $6 for the privilege of drinking a beer in the city, they're thinking about adding a 10% tax to the beer.

A PARTING THOUGHT ON MY WAY TO THE SUBURBS: It's funny, I hear the grave concern in voices of our leadership. "We have a dying population." "We need to attract young people." Well, I'm one of those young professionals that you spend so much time talking about. I love the city, I love being in the city—especially when I'm in other cities. In other cities, I like not having to drive. I like being where the people are. I like being around business. I like the atmosphere of a busy happy hour of young professionals in a city where people aren't trying to get out of the city ASAP because traffic and the prices stink. But, that's not an option here in Pittsburgh. It's a mess and you're making it worse. The bar scene might well be one of the last veins of bringing young life into the city, and, effectively, you are saying, go play in the suburbs. It's less expensive and the parking is free. So, when I'm in Beaver or Washington County for happy hour, I'll raise a glass to you and your 10% tax.

Cheers!

WOODY

Comcast Takes Away The NFL Network

Are you freakin kidding me?! Now they want you to upgrade to some sports package with a bunch of bloated crap that I'd never watch. People may not notice yet, but wait until the first NFL Channel Thursday Night Football game. Then the shit will hit the fan! But, COMCAST is not alone in being morons about this.

Apparently the NFL has decided that it's not making enough money and wants $.70 per subscriber from the cable channels for the privelage of seeing its network. Beyond that, they've decided that no website can show more than 45 seconds of video or accounts of NFL activities.

They've both obviously taken a lesson in customer service from the fuel industry. They all think they're as necessary as oxygen and we'll pay out the teeth for the honor of having their air.

Who Shook The Snow Globe

Is it really snowing on April 16? Burrrr! If this is global warming, I think I need to drive to work more often to warm things up even further. It's more like the seansons have shifted back a month or two. We're getting February weather in April and September weather in October-November. I think I'll tour as a side show to Al Gore and come up with a fancy name for my theory. In the mean time, I'm not packing my winter coat yet!

Now What Do I Read? Kurt Is In Heaven

Kurt's in Heaven Now.

As Kurt Vonnegut often explained, that statement would have his humanist peers rolling in the aisles with laughter. Humanists are skeptical of religion and more focused on doing well with and for others without expectation of thanks or reward for doing so. Kurt, obviously, was a humanist.
I'm not sure what it was about his writing, but I was drawn to his conversational style that was so much more eloquent and sophistocated than "smarter" or more "artistic" writers.

He questioned everythign with a wit and candor that illustrated absurdities and brough a smile to your face. It's a sad thought to know that I've read every word he'll have ever written. Much like when we lost Hunter S. Thompson we're one more wordsmith towards an extinct art.

Ting a ling

Opinions: More Like Assholes Than Ever

Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Simple enough, right? But really, do the people that say this cliche know just how dead on they are? Yep, we've all got them, but they're definitely not safe to show in public. Think about the chaos you'd cause simply by showing yours in public. Revealing yours can definitely cause people to jeer and/or scatter.

Depending on where and when you reveal yours, and the desirability of it, you could cause protests and/or face legal consternation. When, and if, you feel confident enough to expose yours, you are opening yourself up to be violated just for the exhibition.

No wonder reality TV is so popular. Having a conversation beyond this level of lowbrow, mind numbing safetey zone is like exposing yourself in the wong locker room.

I'm sure I'll have more to rant and rave about on this chocolate starfish known as opinions. I just happened to hear a guy get his head bit off after somebody asked what he thought. Apparently somebody was looking for an endorsement in the wrong locker room.

Pittsburgh Steelers and Sex

It's a funny thing walking into the office the morning after a prime time Steeler victory. Everybody has that same, exhausted, hung-over smile of satisfaction of a job well done. It's kind of like that after-sex glow of drained exhuberance. Nobody needs to say a word, everybody looks a little rough around the edges, but everyone is content in their own happy way. With at least three more prime time games and as many 4pm games, it's a look that I'm looking forward to seeing many times over this season. Excuse me, I'm off to take a nap on my desk with a smile on my face. Go Steelers!

Pittsburgh: A City Starved For News

Whoo, you can tell things have been slow since the Superbowl!? Kind of funny! Today they locked people in the buildings downtown for fear of a sniper. Apparently a lot of people saw a dude in cammo going into a building with a "gun." Well, as it turns out, the guy was a pigeon exterminator and had a pellet gun. But, that didn't stop the SWAT team, bomb squad and fleet of news reporters from flying down to the scene. I'm convinced that we should provide military training and arm our media.

They always seem to be at the scene of a dissaster or potential dissaster 30 minutes before the police, fire, military or whatever service .Which, given their early response, means they've had 30 minutes to speculate about the pending doom before anybody can get in, analyze the situation and give a correct account. So, it's always funny the initial story vs. the end result.

Another case in point would be the recent John Bobbit-style "murder" that happened in the rocks. Apparently, there was a pecker placed in a mini-mart microwave. Of course, this media frenzy led to speculation of a murder victim, the sadist that apparently removed the appendage and then, of course, placed it in a microwave. It was a matter of minutes before this "news" swept the area as first responders looked for a man roaming town without his apparently detatchable pecker.

Well, further investigation revealed that the "pecker" was a rubber pecker being used to take a drug test for some moron that obviously wasn't going to pass. My guess is that the drugs were the least of this person's problems as SHE took the plastic, urine filled, pecker into a mini-mart and tossed it in the microwave so that the urine would be warm to pass the test. WOW! I'm not sure what's more amusing here the story itself or the drama cultivated by the media.

As I said, things are obviously pretty slow around here. But, I guess as long as the media is insistent on putting news models, rather than journalists behind the desks, I guess we shouldn't be surprised at the drama they create. Keep up the good work. I'll keep laughing.